Three Years

Today marks three years since my dad lost his battle to stomach cancer. It's hard to believe he's been gone for three years already. I miss him so much. I truly mourn the loss of a grandfather for my children--he was always so playful and funny with the kids--it deeply saddens me that they will not get to experience that.

I miss you, Dad!

Here is a picture of he and I taken in 1979-80, when I was Savannah's age:

Ally's Santa Story

I saw Santa Claus. Santa Claus brings toys. I like Santa Claus. Santa Claus is my frevrit. Toys are my frevrit to. Santa Claus is fat. I like toys a lot. I like presents from Santa Claus. I love presents. And toys to. The most of all. The mosts mosts mosts! Of all in the holl tirr (whole entire) wrlrd. and the holl tirr Christmas! A lot of presents. This is The End.

Wintertime Fun!

There is nothing quite as wonderful as watching your children's faces beam with pure joy as they play in the snow. (These images were taken in the evening, that's why they're so dark):


The snowman village:

Savannah's Surgery

Savannah needed to have surgery to remove the chalazion on her eyelid. This is a picture taken on 12/4. Just a day or two after this picture, the chalazion looked as if it was ready to burst--it became pussy and hugely swollen. I decided to take her immediately into an opthamologist and he scheduled surgery for the following Wednesday (and was worried about waiting that long). Here is the before picture:


She went in for her surgery on 12/14 at 6:45 am. She was such a brave little girl and I was so proud of her! She listened to everything the nurses & doctors asked. They put her under general anesthesia (for the sake of making the whole process easier and less traumatic on everyone--they could have drained the chalazion with just local anesthetic, but we all agreed that general made the most sense). It took about 20 minutes.

When we went back to see her in post-op, she was really agitated. She was livid about the bandage on her eye and was insisting on taking it off. After as much consoling as we could muster, she started getting even more angry at us and demanded that we stop talking and that she wanted to talk to the doctor herself. It was quite funny, to tell the truth. She was not taking no for an answer. Through some smooth talking and after lots of bribery, we were able to convince her to leave the patch on just for one day. Here is a picture of her immediately after we got home from the surgical center:

Just before her surgery, they gave her a little coloring book with a bear explaining what was going to happen to her. They also gave her a bear of her very own to take into surgery. The doctor placed an eye patch on the bear's eye also, just like Savannah's. So cute!

It's now five days post-op and she is doing really well. She was able to have her bandage off the following day when we visited the doctor in his office. We are still having to continue steroid eye drops and polysporin on her eye for a few more days, but everything is healing nicely. Apparently she has very tiny gland openings in her eyes, so her eyes aren't able to drain the oil and other gunk as well as most people--therefore she will be more prone to infections and styes/chalazions, etc.

I'm so relieved we got that taken care of and we can now move onto the stress of Christmas, which is right around the corner. Yikes!

Another Josh Original

Sung to the Twelve Days of Christmas:

five onion rings
four dying birds
three fat pigs
two turtle butts
and a monkey in a money tree

...stay tuned for an update with the other seven gifts of Christmas...

Happy Birthday, Allyson!

You're seven years old today, Ally. I just cannot believe that much time has passed. Every day with you is as wonderful as the last and I cannot express how thankful I am that you are my daughter. You are so sunny and fun. You never give up and are always willing to try until you reach your goal. How I admire these qualities about you, Allyson. It is so much fun watching you develop and grow into such a fun, lovely person. People are drawn to you and your bubbly personality. You are like a bright ray of sunshine everywhere you go. You're beautiful, you're wonderful, and I'm so happy you're a part of our family. I love you so much, sweet Allyson! Happy Birthday!

Josh's Visit with Santa

I found out Santa wasn't real the summer between fifth and sixth grade--when I found a poster I had made for Santa hiding in our storage shed. I had suspected he was fake, but that discovery sealed the deal for me.

Josh is beginning to question the existence of Santa this year, at age 9. We had our annual Christmas party at church last night and Santa came to visit. All the kids lined up to sit on his knee and tell him what they want for Christmas. Josh was not going to get in line until he saw that Santa was handing out little goodie bags. So up to Santa he goes. He sits on his knee, rattles of his list, gathers his goods, and hops off the stage. He comes over and tells me that it is certainly not *the* Santa Claus. He can tell he is a fake.
"What did you tell him you wanted?" I ask.
"I told him the things on my list and I added three more."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I told him I want world domination, I want to be king of the world, and king of the entire universe."
"JOSH! You did not! (Laughing) And what did Santa say?"
"He said he wouldn't be able to give me those things."

Josh also later figured out who Santa was--Bro. Martindale. He apparently took note of Santa's digital watch and then spotted the same watch on Bro. Martindale after Santa had gone back to the North Pole.

But world domination? Josh usually comes across as such a shy, reserved child. But the kid has a good bit of smart-ass in him and I've gotta give him props for the last one. That took some nerve! I'll be chuckling about this one for years to come.

And here's to hoping the belief in Santa doesn't disappear completely.

Nine Months Old!

I'm having a hard time believing my baby is so quickly approaching his first birthday. The past nine months have just flown by. I took him in for pictures yesterday for the first time and that was quite the event. Despite trying to crawl away and his funny facials, the photographer managed to catch two sweet smiles. Isn't he just the cutest thing in the world?

Weight: 19.11 pounds
Height: 29.5 inches

This month, James, you began your own version of pat-a-cake and I simply must write it down as to never forget. You take your index finger of your left hand and point it, then tap it against the palm of your right hand (mimicking, I'm sure, the "mark it with a B" hand sign). Anytime you are grouchy, I can begin chanting "pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake" and you will immediately calm down, smile, and assume your little hand position. It is so adorable! You also have learned how to hold your bottle yourself this month and prefer to do so. You are *so* incredibly close to crawling, I expect you to take off at any moment! Your favorite toys have become the little travel-size Magnadoodle and the magnets on the fridge. I think you've pretty much abandonded your exersaucer now--you do not like to be stationary!

You continue to grow and change and it is so much fun watching you experience the world. Happy 9 months, little man! Mama loves you!

Checking In

Savannah doesn't have conjunctivitis after all (after a week of eye drops), she has a condition called chalazion--which is similar to a stye, but it is not painful. It is basically a blocked oil gland. Warm compresses and light lid massage usually takes care of it--or they can also surgically remove the lump. I think that's more of a last resort and I am going to try diligently to get this taken care of with home treatment first.

Of course this happens just in time for Christmas pictures. I think we'll have to skip out on them this year. It's okay--I'm not feeling the love this year. I don't think I'm even going to attempt Christmas cards. I won't have pictures to enclose this year, so I don't think anyone would even care to receive a plain card. By the way, when did picture cards become pretty much mandatory? Because, yeah, all we need for Christmas is even MORE stress!

Ah, Christmas. The most stressful time of year. It's still early December, so stress is still low on the radar scale. But guaranteed that once it's time for my monthly rant, my stress level will be through the roof and I'll be freaking out. So stay tuned for a most certainly up and coming "I hate Christmas" entry. For today, though, things are good and I don't hate Christmas. Yet.

The Truth

My Monday

3 am: James wakes up, feed him a bottle, let him snuggle back to sleep in bed with me and Joel.
5:30 am: James is sideways and I'm hanging off the side of the bed-get up and move to couch.
7 am: Josh is up, turns on lights and tv-I try to snooze a little longer.
7:30 am: Fix Josh and Ally breakfast, James wakes up.
7:45 am: shuffle Josh and Ally upstairs to get dressed for school, feed James breakfast, Savannah wakes up, make Savannah breakfast.
8:10 am: comb Ally's & Josh's hair, clean up James, change diaper, dress him.
8:30 am: carpool
8:50 am: home--get Savannah dressed and ready for preschool-quickly pull my hair into ponytail, brush teeth, get dressed. No shower this morning. Again.
9:15 am: drive preschool carpool-head to the grocery store.
10:30 am: finished grocery shopping-home-put James in highchair for a snack while I unload and put away groceries-he's being good so I also empty, load, & run dishwasher.
11:15 am: James diaper change and some one-on-one time.
12 pm: preschool carpool
12:30 pm: home-feed James bottle-rock him to sleep
1 pm: make Savannah lunch, eat with her, talk with her
2 pm: take laundry out of dryer to fold, switch wet laundry to dryer, start new load in washer
2:30 pm: sit down and take a break on the computer
2:45 pm: James wakes up-diaper change, feed him lunch
3:25 pm: carpool
3:45 pm: feed kids snack, look over homework/papers, talk about their day
4 pm: kids homework-James bottle
4:30 pm: begin making meatloaf for dinner, peel & chop potatoes, vacuum while Josh watches James in his room, put meatloaf into oven to bake, start water boiling for potatoes
5:45pm: dinner, clean up and change James, begin to clean up kitchen
6:30 pm: take Ally to dance class
7:45 pm: Ally's finished with dance-quick trip to the mall to purchase girls winter coats because we've put it off until the last minute-it's going to be 27 degrees in the morning, so we have to get it done tonight
8:40 pm: home-bedtime: change James' diaper, put on pajamas, feed bottle, rock to sleep-read to and tuck in other children with help from Joel.
9:15 pm: cycle laundry, put new load in washer, fold clothes, finish cleaning kitchen and family room, watch tivo'd Laguna Beach and Grey's Anatomy
10:30 pm: one last jaunt on the computer
11 pm: drift off to sleep thinking of all the things I didn't get done today that I have to do tomorrow...

This Kid Cracks Me Up!

So I'm casually looking over Josh's papers and homework he brought home from school, just as I do every day, and I come across a booklet about Native Americans. I start flipping through it and notice about 10 pages into it that all of the illustrations have added details courtesy of Josh. For instance, here is Cheif Black Hawk sporting some fine spectacles and lovely mustache:



Not only did all the chiefs have glasses, facial hair, and/or buck teeth, but one tribe was actually being attacked by stick figures (please note the arrow in the Indian's bottom as he's climbing up the ladder--bottom right):

Looking back, I guess the title page should have tipped me off. It is not simply titled Indians of Utah, but instead has been renamed Nerd Indians of Utah:

Eight Months Old!

Sweet Baby James, you're 8 months old today. In the past month, you have really grown by leaps and bounds. You learned to sit up, you got your first tooth, you abandoned your infant bath for the big tub, you began sleeping through the night. It was a bittersweet day for me when I packed up your baby tub, swing, bouncy seat, and crib mobile and took them back down to the basement. Sad because it meant you were too big for these things. But also happy because it's so much fun seeing you grow and learn and watching your delightful personality blossom.

You have also learned this month how to pull off your socks and you will do so any opportunity you have, especially in a shopping cart. You have also discovered the joy of purposely dropping your cracker or spoon over the side of the highchair and then peeking over the edge to see it. (You also love the "uh oh's" coming from anyone at the table that accompany this).

Yes, James, you are wonderful and such a smart little boy and I love you dearly. Happy 8 months, Bubba!

Songwriters, Part Deux

Told you there would be a second verse. ;)

I believe I can die
I got shot by the FBI
All I wanted was a chicken wing
Instead I blew up Burger King

In My Daughter's Eyes

While driving home from Savannah's dance class today, a lovely song came on the radio and I nearly had to pull over because my eyes were so full of tears. The song is by Martina McBride and is titled In My Daughter's Eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and
the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Thank you, God, for my beautiful daughters. I pray I can live worthily of their respect and honor. And I pray that they will always know in their hearts how much, how deep, how purely I love them with every inch of my being. They bring so much joy and richness to my life. Thank you for each day with them.

Little Goblins

Future Songwriters of America?

Josh came home from school singing this clever song he and his two friends, Shane and Haden, made up. (Sung to R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly):

I believe I can die
I got shot by the ice cream guy
All I wanted was a popsicle
Now I'm laying in the hospital

I'm fully expecting a second verse to come about this week sometime.

On Another Note

Ally received her first love letter. She actually received this a couple of months ago, but I just found it in the laundry room and thought it is definitely worth noting! Korbin is our neighbor, two houses up. He has had a crush on Ally for a good year or two now. He has even told his parents that he is going to marry her. Maybe when they're 30. ;)

She also received a note from him shortly after this with her drawn in a bridal gown. He used his mom as a scribe while he dictated what to write. I think it was something to the effect of: Allie, I can't marry you because I am going to marry someone with long hair. Well maybe I will marry you too. LOL!

Boo at The Pumpkin Patch

The Little Things

As I was picking up in the family room today in preparation to vacuum, I had one of those "mom" moments. You know, the moments that make you stop dead in your tracks as your heart fills with gratitude for your children and all of the little blessings they bring into your life. Little things such as:

*A little wooden box--simple enough, but when opened, you see a pair of white Barbie shoes, two seashells, and a quarter. Treasures. Things I would have picked up on any normal day and not given a second thought to. But once placed so lovingly in a little box by a four year old, they become treasures not only to her, but to me.

*Walking into the room and seeing my baby laying on his stomach in his crib, poking his little head up so just his eyes and forhead are visible over the bumper. Seeing his sweet eyes light up when he sees his mama just fills my heart.

*Listening to my nine year old excitedly express that he knows what he wants to get Dad for his next birthday. Yu-Gi-Oh cards. They had played earlier and Josh had such a good time playing with his Dad, he wants him to have is own pack.

*Seeing my six year old beam with pride as she reads the Halloween story she wrote all by herself--If I lived in a haunted house I would see the ghost. Boo! I ran. He ran too.
How cute is that? :)

I know I don't pause often enough to fully appreciate these wonderful little miracles. I'm thankful that I took the time today.

Back at Square One

Our family is going through a very trying time lately. I really want to write about it, but afraid to for the privacy. I think it would actually help me to write my emotions out--put down on paper what I'm feeling. Sort myself out. Maybe at some point I will do that.

We have been battling this issue for almost four months now and have all been making great progess. That is until yesterday when Joel and I got thrown back to the very beginning of it all again and are full of raw emotion. We had to face the person responsible for all of the turmoil in our home. We hadn't done that in the past four months, and seeing this person was like being kicked in the stomach. Someone, who even though I thought I had come to despise, I found myself feeling sadness in my heart for. Today I find myself so full of desparation and despair. The usual anger that consumes me is not present today. I'm just so, so, so sad and wishing I could crawl under a rock and just hide for awhile. If it weren't for my beautiful family, I don't think I would have made it out of bed today. I have had to be the strong one in this and I'm almost afraid to let myself fully let out what I need to.

I don't understand the trials God puts us through at times. I don't understand how He can allow for some things to happen. It makes no sense. I find myself pulling away from Him during this time, even though I should probably try to find comfort in Him. I just don't understand how a loving Heavenly Father could allow all of this. It wasn't necessary.

Seasons Change

It's October.

I love, love, LOVE the Fall! The leaves changing, the cool brisk air, the sweaters, the shoes, the stew, the soccer, Halloween, Thanksgiving. It's all so great! If there were ever to be a baby #5, I would hope he or she would be born in the Fall.

LOVE it!

Sweat and Tears (No Blood, Thankfully)

I sat down at my computer last night at 9:30 pm with the intention of purchasing shirts for my four kiddos for school pictures coming up in three weeks. Seems like an easy enough task, right?

Wrong.

When it comes to me, NOTHING is an easy task. I have to think and analyze and deliberate and get a second opinion before I can make any decision. I really make things so much harder on myself than they should be. The shirt decision for example:

Browse Old Navy-find a shirt for Josh, possible shirt for James, nothing for the girls
Browse Gymboree-possible shirt for one girl, nothing else
Browse Gap--find shirts for the girls, possible shirt for James, nothing for Josh

I then begin opening different windows for all three sites and begin making my own combinations. Oh, but not any simple combinations, you see, I actually begin cutting and pasting images of the shirts that I like and making documents so I can see the four shirts in the same configuration that they would be hanging in the frames on the wall.

Three hours and some near tears later, I am delirious from trying to match blue, burgundy, green, red, and pink. I decide to go to bed and sleep on it. (Really, such an AGONIZING decision! ;) )

This morning I give it another try and I am able to successfully match four shirts from two stores! Wahoo!

Onto the next small decision that I can somehow agonize into a huge one...

A Duck By Any Other Name...

"Let's play 2 Ducks, 1 Goose."

(Savannah's request to play Duck, Duck, Goose).

The Big One

So, uh, I turned thirty a few days ago.

T-H-I-R-T-Y

I'm officially grown up.

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time with the fact that I'm now out of my twenties, but I really am struggling with it. I hear people all the time say that their thirties were their best years--I pray that proves true with me. I'm a little afraid of the future right now. Not liking that feeling AT ALL.

Thirty.

Ugh.

Sweet Baby James

*~*~*Happy 6 Months to my littlest man!*~*~*

Weighing in at 16.7 lbs, he is quite small for being such a big guy at birth (11 lbs.) He is super tall, though, which means he's taking after his daddy. Whatever the size, he is still the cutest baby on earth!

Growing Up

Savannah started preschool today. She had a ball! It is so much fun to see her growing and learning. But it is also sad to see my baby getting so big.

A recent funny Savannahism I need to write down before I forget:
Ally: "I want to have my next birthday party at the bowling alley."
Savannah: "I want mine at the bowling Savannah."

Gotta love her!

Here is a picture of my big girl getting ready to head to preschool this morning:

Smiling Eyes

I'm sitting in church with 6 month old Baby J on my lap and after Sacrament service, an older lady comes up (she's new to our ward, I'm not sure of her name yet) says, "I just want to tell you that your son is so special. May I touch him?"
"Yes"
"Oh, he is just so sweet...I think he sees angels...he keeps looking up and smiling and he has the most beautiful sparkle in his eyes (he really does--it's so neat). He really is special. Hang on to him."

Tears welled in my eyes. I mean, I know my child *is* special, but for heck's sake, I'm his mom. I'm harldy unbiased. For other people to recognize his sweet spirit is humbling. He really does have this beautiful twinkle in his eyes. Maybe he really is smiling at angels.

My Sweet Baby J.

First Day of School

Cutest Baby Ever

Girls Night Out

I took my girls (ages 6 and 4) shopping at the mall tonight for shoes and clothes in preparation for school, which starts next week. I'm convinced that shopping must be a natural instinct for girls--my little ones did not tire out one bit and they got very excited about nearly every article of clothing. It was a ton of fun catching a glimpse into the future of shopping with my girls. It was making me laugh--Ally, 6 year old, is all about the bling. Show her a rhinestone belt and the girl goes nuts. LOL!

I'm so glad we didn't bring Daddio or Big J, or even 5 month old Little J, as I'm sure it would have been a total drag. Guys aren't much fun to shop with. They just don't get it.

I also realized tonight, as I do each time the seasons begin to change and I have to restock my children's closets, that clothing four children is not cheap. Daddio is going to have to put in some overtime.

Beautiful Angel

Clara Belen BOUNTIFUL - Clara Belen passed away Thursday August 4, 2005 after a two year battle with cancer. She was born April 2, 2002 in Salt Lake City, Utah the daughter of Wade Edward and Angela Marie. She spent most of her life in Grantville, Georgia returning this spring with her parents to Bountiful, Utah. Clara touched everyone who knew her. She was a strength to her Mom and Dad throughout her treatment. Clara always had a smile no matter how much discomfort she was in. In spite of her intensive chemotherapy treatment and numerous surgeries in efforts to cure her, Clara was continually reminding us of the great joys of life. Clara loved to make cookies, read bedtime stories, sing in the car with Dad, paint with Mom, and she especially loved to cuddle and watch movies. We love you Clara sooo much! She is survived by her parents; brother, Adam Ezra; grandparents, Arbon, James and Deborah, Arlo and Wilma; and great-grandparents, Clyde and Jeri. Funeral services will be held 11 a.m. Tuesday August 9, 2005 where friends may call Monday Aug. 8th from 6-8 p.m. and Tues. 9:45-10:45 a.m. prior to services. Interment, Bountiful Memorial Park.

*last names removed to protect family's privacy

Saying Good-bye

Still more about Clara...

Some girlfriends and I from high school (Lisa, Rona, Cami, Tanya, Heather) had a sketch of Jesus cradling Clara drawn in January as a gift for Angi and Wade. Here it is:

(The doctors at that time had anticipated that Clara would possibly die before Christmas--if not before then shortly after. We took the drawing over to their home on Sunday night. We wanted to give it to them then so they could display it at her viewing and funeral).

It was absolutely heartbreaking walking up to their front door and seeing little Clara’s pink shoes still sitting outside the door. Once inside, Angi brought the dress she had been making Clara out to show us, at which point Angi starts crying. We all started crying. A little background about the dress: Angi and Wade had a baby boy, Adam, in June. Adam was to be blessed on Sunday and Angi had been making Clara a pink dress for that occasion. Clara kept insisting that she needed a white dress instead. She knew.

It really was a nice visit, though. It was nice to sit there with Angi, cry with her, laugh with her about the funny things Clara loved-gum, lip gloss, glitter. We looked through pictures and Angi explained many of them—Clara on a surfboard, Clara with a HUGE smile on her face making Spongebob Squarepants cookies in the middle of the night, Clara in the hospital on the day she was diagnosed. It was beautiful to be able to sit in their home and listen to memories and share such an intimate experience with them. They are the strongest couple I have ever known.

Clara’s viewing was the following night, Monday, August 8. Hundreds of people came to the funeral home to give their condolences. The hard part of that viewing, for me, was that they had an open casket. I have never in my life seen, nor do I ever want to see again, a deceased child. Never.

The funeral was yesterday, Tuesday, August 9. The best word to describe it: brutal. It was so raw, and so heart-wrenching. Angi was brave enough to stand up and read a letter she had written Clara about how much she missed her, how much she loved her. Seeing my dear friend as a grieving mother was enough to almost kill me. As a mother myself, I was able to feel what she was saying, feel her pain. I do not know how she is even continuing to face each day.

At the same time it was a very nice funeral. Clara was loved abundantly and she touched so many lives in her short three years, including mine. She makes me want to become a better mother, to let the little things go, to gather my children around me and tell them how special they are to me, to play more board games, to eat more ice cream cones, to visit the zoo-even on hot days. To live life like it is a gift. Because it is.

Clara

I finally decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. Why? Cause I like to complicate my life even more. I'm always looking for new, exciting ways to do that. ;)

However, my first entry is going to be a terribly difficult one to write. I guess this is actually why I decided to begin blogging. I need to write these feelings out somewhere. How about on the internet for the whole world to see?

Last night one of my best friends lost her daughter to cancer. Little three-year-old Clara was diagnosed nearly exactly two years to the date of her passing with stage 4 liver cancer. She was only 15 months at the time. Chemo, radiation, homeopathic remedies, prayers, even a liver transplant was not able to save her. However, she fought her battle so bravely, never wanting to give in. Near the end of her life, she was given a week to live—she beat that timetable and lived 8 months beyond that prognosis. Nearly everyone was hoping for a miracle. She seemed to be doing very well. But it got the best of her and she gave up her fight for life last night, August 4th, 2005 at the age of three years old.

May God comfort my sweet friend and her husband and strengthen them through this devastating time in their lives. I truly cannot comprehend what they may be feeling. Utter devastation.

And may God bless you, sweet Clara, as you find your little angel wings and fly.