Over the past few weeks I've been really feeling--I don't know--
bored? I'm really not sure what the correct word I'm looking for is. I've been in a bit of a rut, feeling really selfish and somewhat down in the dumps, like nothing that I'm doing with my life matters--my days are full of laundry, dishes, diapers, and more laundry. And then it gets all messed up again and I start the very next day doing the very same things. Over and over.
I don't want to say that I've been feeling sorry for myself, because that isn't it--I realize how very blessed I am each day to wake up healthy and to have a beautiful, healthy family with a roof over our heads and warm food to eat each day. I get that--I do. I guess I've just been feeling
unstimulated (is that the word I'm looking for?) I know I need to change that. I know I can't continue giving without ever refilling my tank-and right now I'm running on 1/4 tank, heading toward "E".
But, and this is where I'm a bit weird, I can't kick the guilt I have over feeling that *I* should be thinking of myself and my needs so much. I mean, is it any wonder I am feeling so down lately when what I'm mostly thinking about is myself? Isn't the way to happiness forgetting oneself and serving others?
Then why am I so forlorn? (Did I just say
forlorn?)
On one hand, I should get a hobby beyond reading (I'm even bored with that). I'd love to take an aerobics class (but I'd have to drop my little boys off in the daycare, something I don't want to do, although I am reconsidering it. They would probably survive an hour without me three days a week just fine). What I really want to do is go to school again, but with our busy schedule, that won't happen. So, what else is there?
On the other hand, I know I don't have these days forever and I should be enjoying every moment I have with my family. Instead of moaning at the piles of laundry, I should be thankful that I have five beautiful children to run amuck and stain every article of clothing they have. I should be more grateful that we are able to afford so many clothes for them and that I have running, clean water to wash them in. And most days I really do try to have this attitude instead of the "woe is me" one. I know my challenges right now really aren't significant trials. And I am so thankful for that. But occasionally I have little periods of time where I start to feel like I'm getting lost in the shuffle of life and I'm not doing anything to refill my tank. I think, if I did, I'd be a better person and I'd probably be able to find more happiness in my daily tasks.
One of my very favorite talks ever given by an LDS leader was during last General Conference by Elder M. Russell Ballard titled
Daughters of God. In it, he quotes Author Anna Quindlen:
"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”And in reading through it again, I am reminded that Elder Ballard also states:"...find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children."
So maybe I'm not that far off base after all...
